Ask Dr. Schund

Dr. Schund, how may we deliver people from their bad thoughts?

People are noble by light of divine grace. It is sad that freedom of choice engenders thought crimes, necessitating correction if heaven is to be regained. Heaven likes blood on Earth.

An unsolved and perhaps dominant threat to these great United States of America, discovered about ten minutes after the ink of the last signature upon the Constitution dried, is that most people think the wrong thoughts and commit the wrong acts. This problem is intrinsic to all members of the human race except for the silver back apes in power. Not only would we find a solution to this problem attractive, the potential worldwide application of said solution would open wonderfully profitable corridors of international trade. Consider how far we have come with cigarettes.

Traditional attempts at revising the thought processes of the masses, such as education, propaganda, oppression, imprisonment, reeducation, torture, and execution have their proponents, (e.g., Homeland Severity). Impartial evaluation by historical records shown them to be woefully inadequate. Well, execution works, but offers the seeming contradiction of being permanent and of extremely short duration. Even 70 years after the Russian Revolution, the proletariat's teeth continue to decay in direct contradiction to Marxist dialectic. Dr. Schund proposes to attack the problem at its origin - not at the sickly social constructs and external variables that have forever viscidly squirmed from the clenched mail fist of governmental paternal love, but directly at those wicked neurons whose perverse chemical obduracy is the functional expression of all that is evil. We will extirpate the self-centered metabolic messianism within them, driving out the devils forever, delivering the masses to the very gates of the Garden of Eden.

The brain is possessed of an infinitely recursive texture scaled from the macroscopic foldings of its grey matter to the realm of sub-atomic quantum fluctuations. Crude interventionism like the frontal lobotomy can hardly convert the hapless political sinner to a blessed and fully functional comrade. Electroconvulsive therapy, insulin shock, pentamethylene tetrazole seizures, perfluoroether seizures, chemical tranquilization, are performed on a broad mental landscape. They are incapable of targeting the subtlety of a single bent blade of grass, and lessen the potential tax revenues to be accrued from the patient. We do not wish our people to slavishly capitulate to our whims, we wish them to be neuroanatomically incapable of doing otherwise.

Unlike all other tissues within the body, except for the heart, the brain is capable of obtaining energy for its survival only from the oxidative metabolism of glucose. Your muscles may be worked to their limit, anaerobic metabolism piling up a debt of lactic acid as function is compromised by fatigue. Your brain is either alive or dead, but never tired. It is here we will drive our stake with exquisite care, taking extreme executive action against the very metabolic microanatomy responsible for bad thought.

We require a molecule indistinguishable from glucose in every act of cellular mass transfer and biochemical transformation, except that it derails the process of aerobic metabolism, disabling in low concentrations and killing in high concentrations the centers of active neurometabolism. It must act over a period of tens of minutes, integrating over time the ill-favored plebeian squeals of the patient, selectively and progressively extirpating the naughty brain tissue and sparing the good.

Consider the surreptitious administration of increasing amounts of 3-fluoro-3-deoxy-D-glucose to people exhibiting objectionable behavior, thereby temporarily disabling or permanently destroying those portions of the brain whose active metabolism supports those activities. With the freedom to lock out the organic cause of bad thought, a new era of correct thinking and action can be ours, now! We will democratically put the question of the national installation of treatment centers to the test of a plebiscite, later.

The luxury of protracted therapy, hours of dedicated care from politically correct physicians, is contraindicated during riots. The administration of a much more reactive, irreversible, and faster acting thought crime toxin, perhaps substituting a thiocyanate functionality for the fluorine, is indicated. Imagine that happy day when a phalanx of dream police descend upon a marauding crowd with harmless dartguns or massive nebulizers, vaporizing the very essence of bad thought.

Can we in good conscience deny universal happiness in favor of the warped persistence of a few milligrams of tissue? Can we wait even another day? Have we?

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